My oldest brother Wesley has been an addict for over 10 years, so every now and then I will accompany my mother to a Nar-Anon Family Group. I have been to a handful of these, but I am going to refer to the most recent one I attended. On January 17th of this year, I attended a one hour session with my mother in a classroom at Hope Church. This group is not affiliated with any religion: Hope graciously allows them to hold their group there. In this specific session, we discussed the concept on enabling. In our Groups OCP class, we have also talked about what enabling means; however, in that context ennabling someone meant helping them get to their full potential. In the context of addiction, enablement means that you are encouraging a loved one to participate in a dysfunctional behavior. In this session we learned that in most cases, enablement comes from good intentions, but it something you must will yourself to resist in order to ultimately help the one you love overcome his/her addiction. The leader of this group is a father of an addict who is now sober and he assumes a role of a peer. Since this group is a mature group that (usually) consists of cognitively unimpaired adults, the group leader simply acts as one of the group who casually leads the discussion. He never acts as if he has all the answers and typically allows the other group members to provide answers to questions given by other group members. He encourages dialogue within the group by creating an inviting environment: coffee is provided and everyone is in a circle. The room is rather open so we never feel trapped or claustrophobic. The most calming thing about the environment is the fact that we are amongst those who know the struggle of loving an addict. It is a "safe" zone to let out your frustration or anger and not feel guilty for it. I have never encountered any type of judgment in this setting before. Sometimes, there are individuals who tend to take all the "spotlight" and overshare. The facilitator will remedy this problem by directly asking other people to share their thoughts about the subject. I would definitely consider this experience to be therapeutic. At my angriest points, I feel understood and my tank has been filled with encouragement and empathy.
Specifically, this session in January resembled a Cognitive-Behavioral group. Many people who have addicts in their family will give them money (which they ultimately spend on drugs), allow them to stay in their homes, or just simply take on the negative consequences that the addict has created. We do this because we think we are helping them, but we are not actually helping anything. Part of the problem is that addicts have a "warped" mindset and blame us if we do not "help them out". It is truly a terrible spot to be in. This theory was used in this group session because in order to change the enabling behavior, we must first change our thoughts about what enablement really is and the harm it can cause ourselves and those we love. This is a hard mindset to break and cannot be done overnight. Accepting the fact that we are not the ones who can help the addicts in our lives is the most useful thing I got out of this session. The addict is the only one who can make the first step to recovery.
What I have learned from these experiences is that sometimes I feel like my family was dealt the worst hand with Wesley, but that is not the case. I hear the stories of these other individuals and I see that they struggle just like we do (if not more).
Fortunately, as I have said before, Wesley is now at the Warriors Center which is a rehab for men. He is making great progress there.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share on this aspect of my life. I don't often get the chance to.
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